if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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