i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
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