Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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