Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
