My Higher Power is John Stamos
farters have to be the big spoon...
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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