i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
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