i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
