my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
