$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
