you lied. pity sex is amazing.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
