Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
