Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Damn victory sex feels great
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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