i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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