O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I need to align my fucking chakras
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
