dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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