MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
