with your own penis?
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
