There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize