I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize