I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
