My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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