I wish my penis had an off switch
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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