I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Randomize
