U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize