She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
