Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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