Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
