What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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