Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
