WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
At least life still wants to fuck me.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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