Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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