Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
