My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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