i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize