can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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