im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Randomize
