you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
