I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Floor bacon is actually really good
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
