Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
