if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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