Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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