I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
