I'm jealous of your bromance
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
