Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
