if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
