He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
