i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
