she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Randomize
