woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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