worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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