He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
