I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
