How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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