I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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