Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
