she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
