when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
we're so committed to being not committed
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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