my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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